


i could be your perfect disaster.

by vicbartons



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Affair Era AU, Angst, Breakup, M/M, a different take on the affair era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 11:49:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15885453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicbartons/pseuds/vicbartons
Summary: What had started as a meaningless hook-up in a pub toilet three years ago and was supposed to never be anything more than a business trip fling had turned into this.Into a life shared.The only problem was that it was a life shared by more than just the two of them.





	i could be your perfect disaster.

**Author's Note:**

> title from ever after by marianas trench

"Aaron please, I-“ **  
**

Robert´s voice is small and pleading, so much unlike himself that it makes Aaron stop trying to pick his scattered clothes off of the floor for a second. Makes him turn around and face his boyfriend-of-sorts.

Aaron looks a mess: Only one sock on, boxers hanging too low on his hips after having been pulled up in a hurry, just one arm in his shirt and his sleep soft hair in a state from having run his hands through the curls one too many times. Robert thinks he looks gorgeous like that. If it weren’t for the face of thunder on him and the red-rimmed eyes that were threatening to let tears fall far too soon, this view would come pretty close to his definition of ”perfect“ even.

But alas, Aaron´s face is scrunched up in anger, just like his fists. His silhouette bold and tall against the moonlight dripping in from in between the curtains, towering above Robert who is still curled up against the bed’s headboard. Hasn’t moved. Doesn´t want to. Like staying huddled under the covers is going to stop their bubble from bursting. Like it hasn’t already burst a hundred times over and left a mess of feelings and fears and possibilities in its wake that Robert had never counted on when he´d somehow found himself snogging the life out of a mouthy bartender in the toilets of a stuffy yorkshire pub three years back.

"What?“ Aaron almost spits it at him, loud and thundering, not a care in the world that it’s a little past 2 am and half of Robert´s neighbours are probably getting an earful of their domestic right now. _Domestic._ What Robert wouldn’t give for him and Aaron to be that. Only things were not that simple. Not with them. They never had been.

"Go on!“ Aaron´s gruff voice pulls Robert back in. "Please enlighten us. What does the brilliant Robert Jacob Sugden have to say for himself this time?“

Usually Aaron´s sarcastic nature and the way he faces the world with a scowl and a laser-sharp tongue are some of Robert´s favourite things about the younger man. But not right now. Not when they are all pain and anger and directed at him, threatening to tear his heart in two.

"I want you to stay,“ he tries the words on his tongue, but they don’t quite fit. Not when it’s him and Aaron. But god does he wish they would. So he swings his legs over the side of the bed, pulls himself upright and goes again, needing Aaron to know that he means it. Really means it this time.

Because he does.

Robert´s always had trouble when it comes to the truth. But not where his feelings for Aaron are concerned. At least not anymore.

It’s just everything around them that’s so damn complicated.

"I want you to stay.“ **  
**

There they are again. Five little words whispered into the dark.

He lets his fingers reach out for emphasis, almost manages to grasp the waistband of Aaron´s boxers, but Aaron doesn’t budge. Doesn´t fall into his touch the way he usually does. Instead he pulls further back, arms crossed over his chest and his face still stern.

”And have you lie some more?” It´s a knife to his stomach. “Have you waste some more of my time?” That one goes straight to the heart.

“Don´t you think you´ve done more than enough of that by now, Robert?“ It’s anger and sadness and love and hate all mixed in one in that way only the two of them can bring out in each other and it makes something drop in the pit of Robert´s stomach.

Because Aaron´s right.

Because what had started as a meaningless hook-up in a pub toilet three years ago and was supposed to never be anything more than a business trip fling had turned into this.

Into a life shared.

Aaron´s boxers piled up in one of Robert´s wardrobe drawers, dates set in a calendar, the number of Robert´s favourite takeout place saved in Aaron’s phone, a favourite radio station to listen to when Aaron made his famous fry-up on Sunday mornings.

The only problem was that it was a life shared by more than just the two of them.

Robert had never felt the quiet sting of the phrase “three is a crowd” like he did these days. Had never really understood why people made such a big deal of cheating, pretending like monogamy wasn’t a ridiculous standard to hold oneself to, until he had to leave Aaron back in Yorkshire to face Chrissie one too many times.

Chrissie.

His wife.

Chrissie was everything Robert had thought he wanted once upon a time. Certainly everything he thought his father would have expected of him.

High cheekbones and shiny hair framing a big heart and an even bigger wallet. A quick wit and a family fortune to be inherited, with a cushy office job attached to it and a story to tell about how he had worked his way up the company ladder and won more than just the hearts of their clients on the way.

Or maybe that was just everything Robert thought he needed to be able to gloat at his father. Payback for all the times he had been belittled for wanting to make something of himself and for leaving the family farm behind.

He wasn’t quite sure.

All he knew was that there was something deep inside him that had made him feel like it was the one  thing in his life worth holding on to. A decade long battle fought and won.

And then Aaron had to show up all grumpy git with a rude exterior protecting a heart of gold and he’d gone and made him fall in love with him. Trampled on every carefully made plan with his thick work boots while wearing a disinterested scowl on his face, not a clue that he was about to turn Robert´s world upside down. The dickhead.

When him and Aaron spend days and weeks on end holed up in his tiny bachelor flat down in Leeds - bought under the pretence of a business opportunity White Industries just couldn´t pass up on, along with the newly set up Yorkshire branch of their firm to prove it - it was so easy to forget about her and their life in London. About stuffy family dinners and ill-meaning fathers in law. About fake smiles and the lies that were piling up on top of him day by day, threatening to tear him down. So easy to get lost in the idea of him and Aaron and Aaron and him and how being with Aaron felt as easy as breathing.

Robert had long but passed the point of feeling like this was splitting him in two. These days it was more like Aaron´s Robert and Chrissie´s Robert were two completely separate men, only held together by a smug smile, designer shirts with elbow patches and a deep-seated hatred for everything he had chosen to become.

"I am so sorry, Aaron.“

"Cause I haven’t heard that one before,“ it’s nothing more than a low grumble as Aaron pulls his t-shirt all the way over his head. He’s still fidgeting with the hem as the silence between them grows awkward, obviously waiting for a classic Sugden excuse, but it doesn’t come so he barrels on.

“I mean seriously Robert, a fucking cruise? Six months from now?” And then the tears are falling and just the sight of it is enough to make Robert´s chin quiver in that way that used to always pull a grunted order to “man up” out of his father. Only he doesn’t have it in him to stop now. Feels his eyes well up as well, because he doesn’t know what there even is to say anymore.

Robert Sugden. The great philanderer. Ego personified. Stunned into silence by something as simple as human as fear.

There’s a timid confession lodged somewhere between his heart and his throat. One that involves his father and Andy and expectations and a young farm hand with dark brown hair and a stubble that reminds him of Aaron. He doesn’t think it would be enough to make Aaron stay, but he feels like after everything it´d be the least he deserved. If nothing else, he feels like Aaron would understand.

"You weren’t supposed to see that email,“ is what he mutters instead and mentally punches himself for it before the words have even left his mouth.

"Seriously?” It’s deep and booming and Robert feels like it should make the walls of the flat shake as much as it does his fingers. “Do you think this is the time to discuss me snooping through your phone?” Aaron had not been. Had just wanted to check the time when the stupid notification had blinked up at him. Not that it matters now.

“Three more months, Aaron. Just give me three more months,” Aaron´s shoulders weep along with it and all Robert can do is stare up at him. “That’s what you said, remember? Three more months to get the business in order and get some clients onside and then it´d be me and you,” Aaron´s staring him down, blue eyes digging into green ones, like he’s searching for something in them. If the way he lets his head fall is anything to go by, he doesn’t like what he finds. “And I was stupid enough to believe it.” The back of Aaron´s hand is furiously rubbing at his eyes and nose, leaving them more red than it found them as he tries to keep the tears at bay.

“Aaron-” Robert´s begging now, but Aaron´s already too far gone to care.

“And now you´re planning some fancy romantic holiday with her? Six months down the line?” He spits the word into the darkness of the room, not like an accusation to be rebutted, but like a cold, hard fact.

Though that doesn’t stop Robert from trying.

“She had this whole anniversary thing planned and I couldn´t-”  He´s a castaway drowning in the freezing waves, desperately clinging to the last bit of driftwood floating at the surface, only he’s been letting Aaron drown on his own for so long that he can’t even blame him for pulling it away from him to finally just save himself.

“No Robert, you wouldn´t. There´s a difference.”

There’s only so much ignoring and pretending any heart can take and Aaron´s finally reached the end of his rope.

“I´m done, Robert.”

They´ve been here before, more than once.  One of them pushing or pulling that little bit too far and the other calling it off, calling them off. It never sticks. One of them always comes crawling back and there’s always a glint of hope and uncertainty in their words when they say those things to each other: “done”, “over”, “I don’t know what I was even thinking”.

Not this time though. 

Aaron´s voice sounds hollow, like Robert has finally managed to pull every last ounce of fight out of him. He sounds done. Truly done, and for the first time Robert feels it in his bones that he’s not going to come back.

Robert opens his mouth but nothing even comes out. Instead he feels his fingernails dig into the flesh of his naked thighs and lets the pain of it ground him as he stares at Aaron wide-eyed.

"Why don’t you call me when you’re actually divorced, eh?“ Aaron sighs defeatedly before he turns around and leaves, let´s the door slam shut behind himself.

It’s Aaron scooping the last tiny shard of hope off of the floor where they left it and shoving it towards Robert like it’s a dirty, rotten thing, but one he might just be able to salvage if only he really tried.

But the way that he says it let´s Robert know that he doesn’t think that’s ever actually going to happen.

And the worst thing is that Robert fears he might be right.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr [@vicbartons](https://vicbartons.tumblr.com/) until i maybe, hopefully, possibly manage to write a second chapter and fix this mess for these two idiots.


End file.
